Here I am, send me!

Do you ever feel that God is trying to tell you something? Over the last month or so there have been a series of suggestions that He is trying to get my attention - I can imagine His frustration as I quietly amble on my way, oblivious, whilst He is throwing hints at me with the force of a sledgehammer!

Before Christmas I started a Bible Study on Isaiah which, to be honest, I am finding quite hard. The study is broken down into three sections and, two months into the course, I am still working on the first twelve chapters. Although the subject matter needs a lot of concentration to understand what is being said, a few verses pop out at me, as often happens when you read the Bible, which I feel are meant for me at this time. The one in particular that keeps hitting me is Isaiah 6:8 - Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?” Then I said, “Here am I. Send me!” I have prayed about this, asking God to reveal to me what He wants me to do or where He wants me to go, I told Him I am open to whatever He suggests but have not had an answer (or one that I have heard). I thought I must have been imagining things and carried on as before.

In early January my husband had to go for a routine kidney scan - he had bladder cancer a few years ago and has to have annual tests. The last test was all clear but they wanted the kidney scan done as part of the process. Although the results for the kidneys came back all clear we were horrified to hear that a lump had been detected in his breast and he was immediately sent to the Breast Cancer Clinic in Cheltenham. The prognosis was not looking good. After a mammogram and biopsies the doctors were pretty certain this was cancer, and the biopsy results should confirm this in a couple of weeks time - he was told he should bring me along with him to that appointment. The good news was that the cancer hadn't spread to the lymph nodes and should be treatable. He was already on our prayer chain from chapel and as I told them of the results I said we were just thankful that it had been picked up by chance and it had not spread. I also specifically said to one friend that I was praying that when we went to the appointment they would be proved wrong and it was just a cyst or something benign. I also said that the chorus the children had song that morning in church had bought me great peace and comfort - Fix your eyes on Jesus - and that's just what I was doing. A week later my prayer was answered (why am I always surprised by this?). Martin had a phone call from the hospital to say the test results had come in, the tumor was benign and he did not even have to go for the appointment on the Friday. I felt like I was walking on air and kept praising God for what he had done. I even told my non-believing husband that he had been on the prayer chain and that God had healed him. God had heard my prayer.

The following Sunday at chapel the worship team played two songs - firstly one with the chorus Here I am, wholly available - as for me, I will serve the Lord, shortly followed by "I the Lord of Sea and Sky" which has the chorus Here I am Lord. Is it I Lord? I have heard you calling in the night. I will go Lord, if you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart. Yes, Lord, there is definitely a theme going on here but I still don't know what I am to do. I did a little study on 'Here I am' as I knew is was elsewhere in the Bible but the only think that I could glean from that was Isaiah was the only one who volunteered to go whereas the others were responding to their names being called. A subtle reminder to be ready when God calls.

Last Sunday morning I was talking to my dear sister in Lord, Rosie. She said she thought she had a message for the church but there had not been an opportunity to give it that day so she proceeded to tell me about it. She had been driving to the service that morning and been stopped by a set of temporary traffic lights and she feared she was going to be late. As the lights changed she went on through the lights and, looking in the rearview mirror she saw a stream of cars behind her and thought, "come on through", the road is clear. As she drove on further all the lights were green so she could "come on through" - and she arrived at the chapel on time. As she was telling me this I just knew the message was meant for me and told her I thought she had told the person who needed to hear it. Again, this week I have been praying for clarification and meaning to all of this but know I must be patient as God will reveal all in His time.

A final nudge this week was in the daily scripture that pops up on my phone every morning. The one on Tuesday was a paraphrase of Ezra 10:4, Rise up ...... take courage and do it.

God has my attention! Here I am Lord, I will go if you lead me, I will come on through when you call. I will rise up, take courage and do it. I just don't know what 'it' is but I hope to recognize it when it does arrive.

Strange Dream

Last night I had the strangest of dreams and it came as something of a wake up call (pardon the pun).

I was walking through a store that looked remarkably like Dunelm in Gloucester with a group of people (I cannot remember who they were) when I turned down one aisle. Everything was in black and white and there were rails of Halloween costumes hanging up - white ghosts outfits and black witches capes and hats. The voices of the people I was with faded away and it became colder and darker. I was suddenly terrified, feeling evil all around me and knew this was hell. Not the fiery furnace we believe to await those who do not believe in Jesus but just as horrifying as God was no longer with me, I could not feel His presence and I was totally lost. And then I awoke.

What could this mean? I have often doubted my own faith - not that God isn't capable of saving me, that has never been in question, but do I truly believe that He can, is my faith as big as even a mustard seed? Am I on my way to hell? In that moment as I woke I knew that I never wanted to be apart from God, the alternative is too frightening and I prayed again for forgiveness and asked Jesus to fill me anew with His Holy Spirit and I felt peace and calm. I know that I never want to walk down that aisle again and I am now assured that I do not have to.

Don't worry, the seed has already been sown!

I have two sons aged 34 and 27 who are very much my Cain and Abel. The younger one has followed me in my Christian faith and gave his heart to the Lord when he was 15 – although he has taken a step back from the church at the moment, I know he still believes and have no worries about his salvation and he is already talking about coming back. Both went to a C of E school and attended Boys Brigade and whilst the younger one continued attending church, playing bass guitar in the worship group and getting baptised, the older one stopped going before he became a teenager. He became very rebellious and we had 10 years of utter nightmare with him before he eventually settled down in a job he loves.

Unfortunately, Christianity has become a forbitten subject with him – he just does not want to know, there is no hope of taking to him and he will even began criticising so I have to bite my tongue to not snap at him and exercise the turning of the other cheek instead. It has become easier to avoid talking about faith at all and I haven’t tried to for several years. I have been extremely guilty that I could not talk to him about such an important thing and I worried that I, or worse still he, might die without telling him especially since Covid-19 has made us all realise just how fragile life can be.

However, I had the slightest glimmer of hope of Friday. He came into the living room (yes, this one still lives at home) and asked what I was up to. I told him I was going to church and he looked at me strangely and asked what day of the week it was. I replied that is was Good Friday which happens to be one of the most important dates in the Christian calendar as it was the day Jesus died. He simply said, “but then he was born again”.

Conversation over but, oh, how joyful that has made me feel. I have no need to feel guilty because he already knows the truth, the seed had already been sown when he was a child. I am not hoping for miracles, although one would be good, but just knowing there is a little seed planted somewhere deep inside him that one day may grow and blossom is a very comforting thought. All I can do now is continue to pray for him, the rest is between him and God.

Without God

I have just read George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-four. A compelling read, albeit a rather disturbing one as so many of the ideas written about in 1949 are scarily possible today. The one thing I found so awful though, was the apparent lack of any religion of any sort, it was not allowed. Can you imagine a life where there is no choice, no hope, no certainty of a better future, no comfort from a Lord and Saviour, no God? It would be a living hell and surely George Orwell's book gives a foretaste of what actual hell will be like for those who have not yet given their hearts to the Lord. To be separated from God does not bear thinking about and yet that is what is promised to those who refuse to believe.

A few weeks ago I had my Bible bag stolen - it is not necessary for me to list here the whys, wherefores, how, who and what but, needless to say, it caused a lot of inconvenience and unnecessary worry. The one thing that should have been the easiest to replace was the Bible itself but this has proved to be the hardest loss of all.

A few years ago I was introduced to the Precept Ministries Inductive Bible Study and this rather large tomb was the one I used for this purpose. The study encourages highlighting key words and phrases with different colours and symbols which makes it easier to examine them more closely and cross reference them with other Scriptures. Prior to this, I had never liked marking any sort of book and would never even turn over a corner of a page to keep my place. As I could not bare to deface a Bible I already had I purchased this one specifically for studying. The Bible itself contains all the instructions for each of the 66 books within and I had spent the best part of the last decade gradually working my way through. I had only Matthew and Mark left to study in the New Testament and had completed well over a third of the Old Testament books so my Bible was much marked and well worn - an old friend that I was very comfortable with. Every week day morning I get myself ready then sit down between 7-7.30am to study my Bible before breakfasting and going off to work. Everyone else is still in bed and it is my special time with the Lord.

The morning after my bag had been stolen I sat down to my study as usual and pulled out one of my (many) other Bibles. Fortunately, I could still remember the subject I had been looking at and was able to continue with this for the rest of the week. But then I ground to a halt. With no instructions on what to do I began to flounder and couldn't get motivated. I was flicking through, opening pages at random hoping that God would make something leap of the page. For two weeks I carried on in this pattern, starting to feel anxious, depressed and generally miserable and hardly reading anything of God's word at all. Then came a week's holiday from work (we did not go away, just visiting relatives and pottering around) and my routine was disturbed so I didn't even bother with the aimless page turning. I felt totally restless and empty - something was most definitely lacking in my life and I knew what it was - God!

I had certainly been speaking to Him over the last few weeks (shouting too at times!) and had prayed for the person who had taken my bag. I had no ill feeling towards that person and asked that they would open my Bible and read it or, failing that, the person who found it might do - as long as it was not wasted, thrown in some bin.

My lovely Bible was gone, covered in all my colourful markings, showing everyone who saw me reading it it how good I was and how much time I must have spent on it. I loved it when a passage I had completed was read out in church and anyone near me could get a glimpse of how much I had done. I had started to race through each section eager to mark off another book as done and trying to estimate how long it would take me to complete the whole Bible - I couldn't wait, how proud I would be. 

And then it hit me - Pride! Perhaps God had taken this Bible from me because I was too conceited over what I had done in it rather than what He was showing me. Maybe my rush to get through the studies was taking over from the content and God wanted me to slow down and actually digest what He was saying to me. I needed to forget the past (I am highly unlikely to get back my old Bible) and start anew so, on Saturday evening, I ordered a new Bible - the same translation as the one I have lost but without all the study guides and it duly arrived the next day.

Today is Bank Holiday Monday but I arose early while the rest of the house was asleep and stole downstairs. I picked up my new Bible and also a book I had had some time called Come Walk In My Ways by Kay Arthur which uses the Inductive Study method - this book is going to cover 1&2 Kings and 2 Chronicles. I took up my coloured pens and started marking key words.

That first chapter this morning has been balm to my soul and I could feel peace and calm come over me as I worked. Just the act of marking the text is very therapeutic but it was more than that - I was very conscious of taking all the words in slowly and letting them breathe through me. Today I have felt calm and happier in myself than I have for a while.

I had been quite despondent at the thought of all that lost work and having to start over again - especially as I could quite clearly see the end goal and had been charging towards it. Once I had ticked off a book I was always reluctant to go back and re-read it when there were still new ones to be studied, "I know that part, why should I go back and look again?".O foolish woman! God has other plans and has given you a new start. I now have, literally, a clean slate and can take in things through fresh eyes with a fresh page to look at each morning. There will be nothing to spoil or distract the view of any revelation that might be given me today, no hang over from yesterday. I am free to read and learn and discover again.

The Lord's loving-kindnesses indeed never cease, 

for His compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; 

Great is Your faithfulness

Lamentations 3:22-23

Little Things

Last August my husband, myself and our two dogs spent a week in a little cottage just a minute from a beach where we walked each morning and evening. The beach was made up of mostly pebbles and rocks with odd strips of sand and was practically deserted. At the top of the beach was a row of mixed chalets and bungalows and we would often see their residents sitting outside enjoying the sea air.

Our attention was drawn to one man who, evening after evening, would be carrying boulders and stones, one at a time, to create a barrier between the row of chalets and a small stream that ran down past them its way to the sea. It seemed a rather pointless task and we did not quite understand the logic behind the intensity in his actions as he laboured away. After a couple of days of nodded "hello's" our curiosity got the better of us and my husband stopped and asked him what he was doing. He explained that, in the past when the stream had become swollen with rain, it had breached the natural banks and rushed in front of the chalets, eroding the banks and threatening their very existence. If he did not build up breaches it would do the same again so he had set himself the quest of protecting his property and those of his neighbours. 


It seemed rather a thankless task to me and I couldn't help thinking that he was rather wasting his time as the vast and mighty ocean just a few meters in front the the houses was surely a far greater threat as it crashed headlong on to the beach than a small, tinkling stream. 
As we walked away from him I was suddenly reminded of the little foxes in the Songs of Solomon. It is the small things in our lives that can bring about ruin and destruction if left unchecked.The world is full of the big problems which we, personally, have no (or very little) control over - wars, famines, earthquakes, political unrest, the dreaded Brexit, etc. Yes, they are there. Yes, they are a threat. But, like the mighty ocean crashing on that small Welsh beach, we can do nothing to halt their progress. The small things, however, that niggle away at us - that little white lie, our laziness, ignoring those near us in need - these things we can address and, by doing so, will actually make a difference to our own lives as well as those we touch. Tell the truth and you will not have your conscience pricking at you, get up and clean those kitchen cupboards and you will have that feeling of satisfaction of a job well done, send a card to someone who you haven't seen for a while and brighten their day. These little acts might not seem much but, just like the man on the beach, they could, metaphorically,  manage to stop your house being washed away.

Catch us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vines, for our vines have tender grapes. Song of Solomon 2:15

Sowing Seeds

Today is Harvest Sunday and the speaker at chapel today, like many others across the land I suspect, chose a reading from Mark's gospel - a parable about a man who sows some seeds then, day and night, as he works and as he sleeps, the seeds sprout and climb out into the light, even though he doesn’t understand how it works. The speaker then produced a couple of conkers that he had picked up and said how hard it was to imagine how they had enough energy inside of them to produce a huge tree.

This got me to thinking and expanding on what he had said. Yes, the seed has enough energy to produce a tree but not before it reaches out and takes water, nutrients and sunshine. It does not do it without help.

Imagine that our Christian life starts like that seed, slightly withered, nothing significant at all, just waiting for something to happen but, to all appearances, dead to the world. Then the good Lord sends His rain which might be in the form someone who has steadily been praying for you or maybe they have sat you down and drenched you with the words of the gospel. Your hard, outer coating begins to soften and suddenly, gradually even, that moment happens, and from your dead heart begin the stirrings of new life.

First you reach out a tiny shoot of hope and feel around. You see light - it is good! More rain falls and the sun shines on you and you feel little threads of roots beginning to form, wriggling down and around as you feast on the scriptures, holding on firmly to the truths you have read and heard, taking everything in just like a plant taking nutrients from the soil.

Your roots grow deeper still as you begin to meet with other Christians and begin to pray and have conversations with the Lord. You grow taller and begin to form leaves which divide into branches.Sometimes the sun is shining on you and you can bathe in that glorious warmth. At other times the winds blow so hard you fear your roots will be ripped right out but if you have a strong hold on that rock beneath you nothing will make you let go.

Slugs and bugs and mildews are always around, just like those everyday minor issues that eat away at you. The odd white lie hear, a bit of gossip there, you're too tired to read your Bible today, worries and cares - they can alter your appearance and stunt your growth. You must remember to reach out those branches, praying to the Lord for help and guidance, asking for forgiveness, turning back to Him and letting your roots take up the support offered by your fellow Christians.

As a tree waits for a change in the seasons so we must wait on the Lord. Just as a tree drops it's leaves carrying the slugs and bugs and mildew, in autumn all our cares and worries will, too, fall away. As a tree sleeps and protects itself against the ravages of winter we should take a time to rest and recover as we delight in the scriptures and converse with our Lord, ready to break forth refreshed and new again in the spring.

As summer comes we will mature and start to form beautiful flowers so everyone will easily recognise which family we belong to. As the flowers fade seeds begin to develop which eventually ripen and ready to fall. Not all our seeds are productive. Some are greedily taken by squirrels who bury them in the stump of a tree for future use but, invariably, forget where they left them and they rot away. Others are blown away on the wind, never to be seen again and we may never know what happened to them. But none of this is our concern. All we have to do is produce the seed and fling it out on whoever passes by - the Lord will do the rest.

And the answer is..........

When the date was getting close to my son taking his R.E. GCSE exam I asked him how his revising was coming along. His reply was there was no need to study because the only answers you needed for this particular paper were God, Jesus and The Bible. He bore this out by saying one of the questions in the mock paper was “who did the two disciples meet on the Damascus Road” so, not knowing the answer, opted for one of his stock replies, Jesus – and, of course, he was right. 

Whereas this might be a somewhat flippant response, typical of a teenage boy not wanting to waste precious moments going over old notes when he could be linking up with his friends on Xbox, and not particularly showing our education system in very good light if there really were only three possible choices for the answers in this subject, it did get me to thinking that he wasn't far from the truth. By turning to God, Jesus or The Bible the majority of today’s problems can either be solved or we will be given the strength, change of attitude or ability to work them through.

God is the creator of all things and, as I sit typing this in my garden on a warm May afternoon, it is easy to believe this. The birds are singing, the flowers are blooming and white fluffy clouds drift across the sky. The sound of my neighbours enjoying the day in their gardens with happy children laughing as they splash in a paddling pool while the mouth-watering smell of BBQ’s drifts through the air make for an idyllic picture of family life and it is natural to thank God for all He has provided. It is not always so easy to do this when the rain and wind come, the neighbours are fighting with each other and the kids are screaming but God is still there all the same, loving us through the good and the bad and He always wants the best for us whether we see it or not. We just need to trust in Him and focus on what He wants us to do, not what the world is telling us do. We have to remember that God has a different agenda to ours and His plan is far more intricate than we ever dare imagine. Do what you know is right with Him and everything else will fall in to place. It might seem impossible and you feel the task is too mighty but if it is from God the doors will open and He will give you strength and knowledge. With God all things are possible and He has the answer to everything.

Jesus is not only the Son of God, He is our friend, our brother, our Saviour and even acts as an intercessor between us and our heavenly Father. He is also very much alive and lives in every believer’s heart through His Holy Spirit. With this we are equipped to discern what is good and bad, what is from God and what is not and enables us to tap into the very thoughts of God. Jesus loved us all so much that He took our place on the cross and died for our sins. Just think, the very worst thing that you have ever done was the very moment that He died in your place – it makes me so ashamed to think that He even knows what I did, let alone took my punishment for me. All I have to do is believe who He is, what He did and that He was raised, victorious, from the dead and I will spend eternity with Him – how incredible is that? But while I am here on earth in my mortal body I can talk to Him and ask Him to show me the way He wants me to go. All the answers lie with Jesus so just fix your eyes on Him and you cannot go wrong.

The Bible is the very word of God in handy book form for us to delve into whenever we want. Whatever you want to know in relation to the way you live or about getting on with others, you will find the answer in this wonderful book. It never ceases to amaze me that I can read a particular passage of scripture time and time again, believing I understand what it is saying then, suddenly, the meaning changes and leaps at me off the page coming alive and becoming relevant to a particular circumstance I am in at that moment. Of course, this is not always a pleasant experience because sometimes the words convict me of something that is wrong in my life which I need to change. Just like old Jonah who’s first instinct was to run in the opposite direction from where God wanted him to go, I do not always want to obey what the Word is telling me and quickly turn the page. However, the Bible is no ordinary book, it might have been written thousands of years ago but it is just as relevant to me today as it was when it was first put on paper. This is the living Word of God and it will not let me go – every time I open my Bible the same message comes through loud and clear, wherever I turn – even when I am in church and others read or preach I hear that same message piercing its way into my heart.  In the end my only option is to do what it is telling me. And then I have peace.

Of course, as a more mature Christian I would also add the Holy Spirit and prayer to the list as they act as ‘telephone lines’ between the others but I don’t think my son was far wrong in his statement – the answer to all questions is either God, Jesus or The Bible!